I'm baaaaaaack!!!

I'm baaaaaaack!!!

Nikki returns from an 18 month hiatus. With a new perspective, and a whole lot of changes to talk about

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
― Masaru Emoto, Secret Life of Water

Well hello world!  It has been quite the hiatus for me over the last 12 – 18 months.  I made the decision when I landed a full-time contract in mid-2018 that life was going to be too difficult and hectic to try to get Change Frame off the ground, AND work a Monday to Friday job, AND maintain a health and fitness regime, AND have a happy home life, AND not end up falling in a heap!  So I allowed myself to relieve the pressure.  Which felt good.

And then 2019 hit me.  And I mean…HIT ME!!!  It was the most difficult year of my adult life.  And talk about CHANGE!!!  Of the most difficult type.  The year started with my father having the possible diagnosis of cancer over his head.  Sadly this diagnosis was confirmed on the 9th of January (wow…exactly a year ago today).  We saw the oncologist a few times, but unfortunately for dad the cancer was aggressive and already had a hold of him   He passed away on the 26th of February.  So…yes…an extremely sad and difficult change to adjust to.

Interesting how I struggled…SO….MUCH.  I still struggle.  And no doubt I will struggle in certain ways for the rest of my days.  I miss my dad.  Losing a loved one would most likely be one of the most difficult “changes” to adjust to I imagine.  So yes…I’m still navigating that.  I’m still trying to get my head around the “new normal”…life without dad.  And it’s tough.

And this “change” (if you can call the death of a loved one a “change” without sounding too callous) has also prompted many other changes.  Some small. Some reasonable in size.  And others quite significant.  Monday next week (the 13th) will see possibly the most significant change that has been triggered by dad’s passing: our family home will be sold and belong to someone else…the home that has been the “safe harbour” not just for my brother and I, but for many others over the 30 plus years we have had it.

It’s that impending change – the sale of our home – that has prompted me to dust off Change Frame.  I figure…there I was…putting myself out there as a so-called “expert” in helping others deal with change, when the truth of the matter is, I’ve been struggling, and I mean REALLY struggling, to deal with change in my own life in the last while.

So what better way to get back into the ethos of Change Frame than to challenge myself to live and breathe it?  To “eat my own dog food” as I often say at work.  So here I am.  Blogging perhaps more for my own benefit than the benefit of others, but blogging nonetheless; sharing my very own (and at times, very raw!) Change Frame journey.

And I commit, to you and to myself, that I will be honest.  I will be authentic.  I will share with you when it’s difficult, and why it’s difficult, and then (hopefully!) how I’ve overcome the challenges that change presents.  I believe this will be part of my own healing journey, and who knows what and who else may join in along the way. 

So here I am.  I am back.  I only had this idea today, and normally I like to sit on things and contemplate them for ages and assess them from all angles and really take my time to make sure I’m comfortable and I feel like I’m doing the right thing.  But not this time.  I’m just gonna jump in. I am scared.  I feel sick. But I’m here. That photo is a selfie I just took. Right now. As I am. I look at it and I shudder (my hair's not done, my skin's all red, and my gosh my jaw is so lop-sided! But it's me. In my authenticity)  Walk with me, heal with me, change with me